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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What is my advice

What is my advice?
This is a general post in reply to parents who ask for advice.

First of all: There is no good advice or methodology for 'getting your son or daughter back.' The experts say not to pursue them. If you have a normal parent reaction, you will gravitate to that. You respect your child and are inclined to allow them their space. Let them find their own way. Since in our case our son was 21 when he broke, there is a practical matter of adult sovereignty. The experts are likely right. But even the experts concede that there is no certainty on this subject. Staying away from an FDR acolyte is not productive. They get further into that world and further away from all of their past. I sometimes wonder if a full out effort to insist on communications and contact is the way to go. If you chose this option, do it sooner rather than later.

I do have some thoughts on how to cope.

1. Moly only appeals to good kids from good parents
FDR has no appeal to young adults who have been abused by corrupt parents. It only appeals to bright kids who have the capacity for great passion. Moly’s message only works with kids who have been raised with and have fully adopted western culture values of self reliance, integrity and a belief in their self worth as individuals. In other words, it only works with kids who have had good parents. So my first bit if advice is this. You were a good parent. Don’t beat yourself up. This is easier said than done. You will fall into the trap of wondering what you did wrong. You will think back to an argument, or a time when you lost your temper and you will truly hate yourself for it. Do your best to gain the perspective. Without the Moly influence, any trials or tribulations your child was experiencing would have passed in time. You would have sorted it out like you always have and the relationship would have strengthened. But with the Moly infusion of distortions, the family balance was thrown off. It really was not your fault. You weren’t perfect, but on balance you did a fine job.

2. Adults are supposed to be independent
OK. This is somewhat philosophical. But it is worth noticing this general truth. Once they get to be 21 or so, the mission is for them to take life by the hand and get to it. I even have a small element of pride. My son really is on his own. I haven’t had to write a check. He hasn’t asked me to help him move. No calls complaining about life’s injustices. He hasn’t moved back into the house while searching for a job, etc. Of course my wife and I would be delighted if these things come to be when our son re-connects with us. My point is this. This is a sad and twisted way to be independent. But I am sure my son is learning fast about what it means to be on his own. I suspect (hope) this will serve him well as he continues to mature and take on life. That is the way it is supposed to work whether Moly is involved or not.

3. Patience
Given the level of sadness, this one is the most difficult. But here goes. You need patience. Time goes on. In time, your son or daughter will find perspectives and experience that comes from living their lives. You did raise them well. Their values have been terribly bent by FDR, but they are still intact. I can’t remember the exact words of that saying, but in this case it may be appropriate. Allow yourself the wisdom to realize that the best way to handle things is to give it time. Do your best to find the serenity to accept this truth in your worst moments of sadness.

4. Live your life
My wife calls it the gorilla in the room. She says some days it is on her lap. Others it is off in the corner sleeping. My wife and I do talk about it often. We go to meetings and have met other parents (in person, on the web and by phone). We are glad we have come to know them. Like us, they are good people, who love their children and want to do what is right while coping with the devastation. Obviously I have this site. On the other side of things, the break has provided some additional independence. It is not the way you want it to happen, but I do think you have every right and reason to get on with your own life while your child is making their way through theirs.

Hope this helps a little.


  1. Thank you for this. It is helpful.

  2. This was so refreshing. Our also 24 year old son DEFOOed us the week prior to mother's day. We are heartbroken and looking for ways to cope with this situation. Feels like a death. I particularly relate to the gorilla in the room. How did you find others for support?

  3. I also want to thank you for this. Our son was 21 when he defooed and moved half way across the country. The 1st anniversary is coming up in a couple of months. I know my husband and I were good parents but you're right, there are times of doubt - what could we/should we have done differently, etc. It helps to hear/read "you were a good parent". We have moved on and are living our lives but he is always there, "the gorilla in the room".

  4. feel free to send me a private email and I will respond. molyneuxrevealed at