My wife woke up screaming and then crying. I woke up terrified and asked what was wrong? Between her sobs she said, “Our son is lost. We have to try and save him!” After a while, she calmed. In a voice as sad as any you will ever hear she told me that she dreamed our son was on fire. He was screaming in pain and calling for her but he was behind bars and she couldn’t get to him. In another dream only a couple of days later, he was a toddler. He came to her bed with his blanket in his hands and woke her for a kiss. After that dream she woke up crying more softly. I have similar dreams. I know our son still loves his family. His mother, sister and I love him completely. My wife and I gladly made all the sacrifices and undoubtedly some mistakes that parents make. Both of our children were raised in a safe and loving environment. My son and I had a truly wonderful relationship. Not so today.
It has been almost three years ago that I suggested that my son might enjoy listening to the podcasts of Stefan Molyneux. We both believe in freedom and have spent long hours discussing philosophy and politics. I had listened to Molyneux’s earlier podcasts and enjoyed his reflections on Objectivism. My son started listening. Molyneux became impressed with my son's grasp of objectivism and its values. Molneux was curious about his parents. My son he had suggested to Molyneux that he should interview me. Molyneux thought that was a good idea. Molyneux wanted to interview me as an example of a great dad. I did the interview. I mention this only to confirm that even Molyneux knows that, my son thought I was a great father. Molyneux took care of that situation. About six months later, my son cut all ties with us. To use the Molyneux invented term, my son ‘defoo’ed.’
“FOO” is the Family of Origin. DeFOO means departing the FOO. A Defoo is different from the occasional, young adult ‘get me out of here’ break up. A defoo is a Molyneux invention that is based on an axiom and a perversion. The axiom: adult relationships, including relationships between adult family members, are voluntary. The Perversion: Molyneux is quoted in the Guardian newspaper: "Deep down I do not believe that there are any really good parents out there - the same way that I do not believe there were any really good doctors in the 10th century."
With this belief system abandoning the family is a necessary step in achieving freedom. Molyneux is always on the lookout for reasons to defoo.
Before the dream, my wife and I worked through our profound sadness and agreed to leave our son to find his way. He is an adult. It is his call on how he leads his life. After her dream though, my wife had to try and reach out to him. She went to his place of work. He saw her coming and ran away. She waited. He texted the store owner writing, “I am petrified to come back into the store while she is there.” How can he be petrified??? He was writing about his mother. His mother who nursed him when he was sick. Held him always; stood up for him against bullies; went to his games and concerts; Attended every back to school night and every teachers conference. She took care of his doctors visits, emergency room visits, play dates, clothes shopping, and dances. She felt his joy in her heart and his hurt when he was sad. His mother was at his workplace to talk. She was doing what every real therapist recommends, to communicate. What sort of emotional disequilibrium would cause him to run and to be petrified? This is a thoroughly unhealthy response. It has us extremely worried. Something is terribly wrong.
This is a sad story, but it is NOT unusual. It is happening all over the world. Stefan Molyneux and his wife have a well crafted methodology for luring young adults away from their parents. It involves YouTube videos, speeches, social networking, etc. Mostly he wants you in the chat room. There, he has a crew of loyalists on the prowl for new web site visitors. They follow strict guidelines for engaging the new visitor. They embrace the new person. You will be invited to socialize with other members. At some point, someone will suggest you listen to the introductory podcast called, “But my parents were nice.” Then you listen into his Sunday show where Molyneux listens to the typical complaints of a young adult and gives them advice. The callers have lots of reasons for calling, but no matter the reason, Molyneux is always on the lookout for a way to drive the discussion to your rotten parents. He describes parents as if he knew them intimately. He will conjure up memories from his template of how all parents are. He will speak and probe until he comes across something that gets a rise. The caller is taken with his charm and charisma. You allow yourself to be taken along.
Most of us have parent complaints. I know I did at that age. What if YOU are the one on the podcast? The power differential is huge. You are nervous. Others are listening. Molyneux is in complete control. You don’t have the courage or desire to disagree, so you just go along. “Yes my parents were like that.” Then one day, with the support of your fellow members, you defoo. It is a requirement of the defoo that you completely sever all contact with your parents, giving them no chance to even discuss what’s wrong….EVER.
Why does Molyneux do it? Because once a prospect leaves their family (and friends), the loss is traumatic. There is a huge and sudden emotional vacuum in your life. It is a void that Molyneux is poised to fill. The prospective donor, naturally gravitates to the new FDR support structure. There is an upside. Your parents won’t be judging you anymore (it is true, in the late teens and early twenties is when parents do most of our judging). You feel free. You might even grow comfortable in your new community. Of course, filling the void is a service for which Molyneux expects payment. Your monthly donations aren’t mandatory, but you will lose privileges and the approval of the leader if you don’t keep them up. (see the blog on Moly's donation problem). This is a classic cult like set up. But who cares what it is called? It is a tragedy by any name. It is a con of the most insidious and vile form that preys on young people by intentionally destroying their families.
While your new friends will respond to your chat room posting, they don’t love you. If you were in the hospital across the street from Molyneux's home, he wouldn't leave his driveway to visit you. No one really cares if you are in an accident or if you are alone on a holiday. It isn’t a real family. It is an escape from real life. It is a suspension of responsibility. For anyone who is tempted by the defoo message from Molyneux, don’t be fooled. If you find yourself wanting to break from your family and friends, don't be a coward and don’t be cruel. Talk it out. Your parents will be disappointed, but remember, they are also rooting for you to be independent. For my son, defooing included dropping out of college. I have let him know that he can stay away, but I will still pay for the rest of his education expenses. If he does not return to college then the support system exchange my son has completed has been very detrimental to him. It is of minor benefit to Molyneux who is making a living by breaking up families for fifty dollars each. Hard to get more corrupt than that. So please don’t encourage him. DO NOT donate to Molyneux. Eventually, he will thank you. It just can’t be healthy staying in the house and talking to yourself all day and night. His message, once sound and even inspiring, has become hideously twisted. He needs to get back to an honest means of income for his message of liberty and freedom to be heard. Withholding donations will be doing him a favor by helping him get back to his political and philosophy roots.
Most importantly, don’t let others lead you to do self-destructive things. If you feel anxiety or anger or any problems in your family, talk about it. Insist on it. Once your parents realize the seriousness, they are likely to listen deeply to all you have to say.
To our son. We long for the day when your fear subsides and you can come home.
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